How the Grand Old Party Can Rise Again

The Republican Party has already admitted its brand is tarnished. They know they're going to lose the November elections, and they know they're going to have to work hard at showing some relevance for the next few years.

But they really don't have to be so glum. This is actually an opportunity. Here's what the GOP can do to save itself:

1: Impeach Bush and Cheney. Lost you already? Just consider this for a second: this administration has failed to preserve the most fundamental of conservative policies: small government and fiscal responsibility. In addition, Bush has failed to make good on his promises to evangelicals with his failed faith based initiatives. And let's not forget, the Iraq war, despite every attempt to spin it as a part of the so-called war on terror, is a detriment to that very cause.

The first thing the GOP needs to do in order to re-assert itself is to reject outright the president and his men for straying so far from the herd. They need to send a clear message that these guys aren't really conservatives, and the true conservatives have had enough of them.

2: Eject the moderates from the party, and the gays. Fuck the big tent, it only crowds the real conservatives, and it's time to let America know what the Republican Party is really about.

3: Write a new Contract with America, Gingrich style, and try to make people believe they'll actually make good on it this time. Put in all that really conservative, party-defining stuff: big military with good service benefits, laissez faire economic and foreign policies, shrinking the government and cutting spending, lowering taxes on business, decimating regulation laws, eliminating the EPA, and most importantly, getting serious about "family values".

How serious? I'm talking about an outright, unrelenting stance for Christianity. Banning gay marriage, re-instating sodomy laws, abolishing the public school system so churches can take over, then making damn sure they teach creationism; making blasphemy illegal and tightening censorship laws, banning abortion under every circumstance, and declaring war on Islam. OK, maybe they wouldn't try that last part, but you know they wanna.

In addition, get even more jingoistic. Bring up flag burning, unrestricted gun ownership, loyalty oaths, "love or leave it", and of course, unrepentant liberal bashing.

4: At the party convention, replace John McCain with a true conservative. After the Bush/Cheney impeachment, this should surprise no one.

5: Wait for Jesus to come back.

Chuck Asay the Asshole, Chapter 2

He's done it again! Note the little liberal peace sign and Gore 2000 sticker on the boat. Gotta love that conservative mind. This douchebag thinks it's OK to fuck our environment for the sake of our own gluttonous energy wants. Hey dickhead, we can adapt too... by using alternatives to fossil fuels. Them polar bears are actually red herrings.